Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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