i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
