Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
