I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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