Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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