Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
