im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
