I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
