You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
