if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
