I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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