i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
