my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Randomize
