it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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