She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
