question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
