True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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