I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
