You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
