This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
