we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
