Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
