I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
