The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
