I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
