i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
