Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
