Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
