That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
