So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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