Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
