Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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