apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
