it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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