Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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