what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
