So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
