we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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