Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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