I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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