I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
