Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
the liver wants what the liver wants
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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