it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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