Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
