Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
