my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
