I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
