3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I cut my penus on the lid.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
