You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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