So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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