Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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