everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
