I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
