i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Randomize
