He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
